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Testosterone is Legitimacy - The Noble Sausage [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Neil Scout

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Testosterone is Legitimacy [Sep. 3rd, 2004|10:30 am]
Neil Scout
Nothing has given me more delight this year, with the exception of evening walks along the beautiful canals of my beloved Tooting, than the ongoing campaigns for this year's presidential elections in America. The way events play out offer an absolute validation of The Noble Sausage- in America, men are men and only the strongest will triumph.
Gripping the podium, the thrilling Arnold Schwarznegger addresses the camera and snarls: "To those who doubted our economic policies... stop being economic girlyboys!!!" A magnificent turn of phrase. This cuts right through the dull pedantry peddled by our bureaucratically minded fools at the BBC- politics as Punch and Judy. If god is in the detail, god is truly dead- if we are to progress, we must crush effeminate pontificators. We need men who deal in absolutes.
Even the mincing Democrats are coming round to this truth, appointing the hard-nosed John Kerry as the man to turn them around. He is basing his entire campaign on his experience as a soldier, and good for him. Politics is, or should be, open warfare, and to have killed a thousand darkies in cold blood is a much finer credential than any overrated administrative experience or comprehension of policy. The likes of Kerry and Howard Dean eschew statesmanship, and sound more like Hulk Hogan or the Ultimate Warrior in a pre-fight warm-up, salivating over how they will pulverise their emasculated foe.
The American people have spoken, and decreed that they do not give a fig for George Bush's qualities in these categories- they will pacified by having a film star at the helm- and, to quote an ideological adversary of mine, the public gets what the public wants. Every time he speaks, George Bush diffuses charisma; eloquence; unshakeable self-belief.
In Albion, our own politicians have quite a distance to travel before they will catch up. Tony Blair leads the pack; in his stylish suits, he hangs out on the Italian Riviera with leading figures of the Socialist Left like Silvio Berlusconi; a surefire way to keep the 'Romo' vote on board, whilst suurounding himself with fierce, snarling pitbulls like Charles Clarke and John Reid; the untouchable prima donna, surrounded and made inaccessible by a squadron of hefty bodyguards. Heartbreakingly, the Conservative party have struggled to find a means of response, and been left to founder. There is light at the end of the tunnel, if only it can be seen. I would urge the Tories to eschew think tanks, canvas teams and other frivolities, and plunge all their funds into making a Hollywood blockbuster of their own that would rival all politicans and turn these pariahs into pioneers. Quentin Tarantino could direct, to add his own inimitable touch of 'cool'. The film would star the party's leader (who else?) and be called Die Howard. Perhaps a co-starring, Rutger Hauer role would suit Boris Johnson. In this post-Lord of the Rings age, of course, it would not be enough for celluloid to capture Michale Howard's triumph over a dozen top terrorists; millions would have to be laid to waste in each frame. Perhaps the action scenes could be shot on location in Iraq; that would add authenticity, and kill two birds with one stone.